


i thought i could trust you

by HelloHumanBeings



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: M/M, Maybe - Freeform, More tags coming, SO, Self Harm, basically 8-9 months whoops, finished work, idk - Freeform, ill try to tell you starts and ends in the notes if you cant handle that stuff, im supposed to be tutoring but im here writing this fic ok im trying, im tryin here dudes (and dudettes and nonbinarys), inconsistent updates whoops, its h a r d to write, its just "hey look at our play ok that arcs over", jeremy needs to try harder, jeremys making an effort, michael is a little shit but its all his squips fault so dont blame my boy, michael likes the weird oreo flavors??? idk when this headcannon began but im sticking to it, michael takes a squip au, oh btw mike is Shorter and jerm is Taller just for reference, ok so that last one wasnt i just wanted to make a joke, sAVE MY SON MICHAEL MELL HE DESERVED BETTER THAN THIS, self hatred, takes place from halloween to the end of the school year, the play happens but no one else gets squipped, the squip is jeremy i didnt know who else to make it, things are gonna end up ok, why are random things marked freeform - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2018-12-04 17:12:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11559720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelloHumanBeings/pseuds/HelloHumanBeings
Summary: michael has his run in with jeremy at the halloween party. after much deciding, he gets a squip of his own.





	1. the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> as of this chapter, the only really triggering thing would be in bold text at the beginning  
> but hey welcome to the fanfic!!! i thought of this idea when asking my friend if jeremy would be michaels squip and he(e)re we are haha  
> i hope you enjoy! if you like it, don't hesitate to leave comments or kudos, they really brighten up my day

**Michael let out a shuddering sigh, curling up tighter in Jake Dillinger's tub. He still couldn't believe he was crying in the bathroom at a party swarming with popular people. Everything was quiet for a moment, nothing but the sound of bass from through the door and Michael's soft sniffles. That was, until the first scream came. He shot up in surprise, scrambling out of the tub and moving to open the door. He flinched away as his hand touched scalding metal and more screams rang through the air. Was there a fire? He wasn't sure, and it was honestly starting to terrify him. He scrambled away from the door, hands fumbling for his phone. He punched in the three buttons he needed before pressing the phone to his ear. His hand was still on fire and it hurt like hell. He blinked back more tears as the operator answered and he relayed his location and what he thought was going on.**

 

 **A fire, that's all he could think it to be. After all, the doorknob was hot as hell and he could see smoke fighting through the door and raising above his head. Telling the operator his address, he hurried over to the window and pushed it open with his injured hand. The second floor, he was up too high to jump. Granted, he had snuck out of the house through windows before, but there was a tree by his escape window, and there wasn't one here. Rubbing his eyes, he took in a sharp breath and set the phone on the windowsill. He started yelling for help, hoping anyone,** **_anyone_ ** **would see him. Someone caught his eye, and started shouting at the others. A girl, blonde hair and dressed as a dog. She was familiar, Michael had seen her with Jeremy in the halls at school. But that didn’t matter to him, because she was yelling at her friends and the other people outside that “oh my god someone’s still in there” which sent a chill through Michael’s spine. Was he it? The last person caught in the fire?**

 **  
** **The sound of the ambulance, fire department, and police sirens all at once pulled his attention away from his thoughts. He was going to be okay, wasn’t he? He saw Jake on the lawn, Rich (badly burned, I may add) in his arms. There were burns on almost everyone but a few of the girls. Their outfits were still smoking, but no one (well, everyone but that’s besides the point) wanted to see a group of three or four naked girls in the lawn. The fire, though, was rising. Michael could see the flames through a crack in the door. Lifting his shirt to cover his nose, he tried to take deep breaths. The police got out a sheet to catch Michael in. The doctors and nurses rushed around, getting Jake and Rich into stretchers and helping the minor injuries. The firefighters hurried out of the truck and hooked the giant hose up to the truck. Michael took in one last shuddering breath, and with all his faith in the police, jumped out of the window.**

 ****  
Michael shot up in bed, panting. The fire had only happened a few nights ago, and the memories were still fresh in his head. His hand stung, so he pulled it away from the blankets. His eyes shot around the room before landing on his bedside alarm clock. 3:18 AM, he groaned and fell back onto the bed. Rich was still in the hospital, he got a message about it from Jenna Rollan who was mass-informing the entire school. Jake was back on part time, attending half of his classes from day to day as he got around on crutches and two broken legs. Michael wasn’t back at school yet, though it wasn’t like anybody noticed. But for some reason, Michael _wanted_ them to notice. He wanted a text from some popular kid asking why he wasn’t at school. More than anything, the wanted a text from Jeremy asking him why he wasn’t at school, asking if he was okay.   
  
But he knew this wouldn’t happen. He had that stupid Squip in his head, making it so Jeremy couldn’t see him. Slowly, he pushed himself out of bed, not caring about how long he had until school. He slipped downstairs, knowing his parents weren’t home like always. He reached into the emergency money drawer. It was his and his only, a drawer made up of all the money he had ever gotten and hadn’t spent right away. Birthday money, Christmas money, allowances and working money lived in that drawer. He knew there was a shit ton of money in this drawer, he never took anything out of it unless he had to. Reaching into it, he pulled out as many bills as he could. Tens, twenties, ones, a few hundreds, ended up making six hundred dollars. He recounted, before hurrying upstairs again (money in his hand) and got back into bed. He’d skip again, that was for sure, and go to the Payless in the mall. Then, once there, he’d get himself a Squip. That way he’d be popular too. Setting the money on the counter, he let out a soft sigh and pulled the covers tighter, willing himself back to sleep.   
  
~   
  
Around eleven he left the house. He walked to the mall, wanting to take as long as possible, and let out a sigh as he got inside. His eyes were set on where he wanted to go, and the walk to the Payless was surprisingly short. He stepped inside, making his way to the back. “Um, hello?” He called, surprised to get a reply.   
  
“Let’s see the money.” Came a voice from the back. Michael didn’t hesitate, pulling out the six hundred. “Alright. Four hundred.” He hesitantly handed the money over before being handed a box of ladies running shoes. He knew what was in the box. A grey oblong pill that would fix everything. A pill that would make things better. He left before the worker could say another word.   
  
Michael bought a Mountain Dew and swallowed the pill, then started home. This would fix things. After all, Jeremy was cool now, right? He dropped to his knees the second he got inside the house, hands on his head and screaming in pain. The soft piano cover of that Porter Robinson song he found the other day was still blaring in his headphones as they fell to the floor. Then came a voice he knew.   
  
_[Calibration in process.]_   
  
“Jeremy?”   
  
_[Please excuse some mild discomfort.]_   
  
A beat of silence and of Michael curled up tight on the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks.   
  
_[Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated. Discomfort level may increase.]_   
  
Michael let out a hoarse scream as the pain got worse.   
  
_[Accessing, neural memory. Accessing, muscle memory. Access procedure complete. Michael Mell. Welcome, to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor.]_   
  
Another beat of silence as the pain let up and Michael pushed himself up from the ground.   
  
In front of him stood the cardigan wearing, video game playing kid that Michael had grown to love, but different.   
  
_[Your Squip.]_   
  
Slowly, Michael pushed up from the ground, the fake Jeremy moving to help him. Michael was more than confused when it (he?) managed to help him up with ease.   
  
“Y-you’re the pill?”   
  
_[I am, indeed, the pill.]_   
  
“Don’t talk like that. Jeremy doesn’t talk like that.”   
  
_[Give me one moment, please.]_   
  
Michael gave a small nod, watching as the pill adjusted how it spoke.   
  
_[Better?]_   
  
“I’m gonna need more than that.”   
  
_[Fine, am I talking more like him or do I need to change again?]_   
  
“Close enough.”   
  
He slowly made his way to the couch, sitting down and rubbing his temple.   
  
_[You know, Michael, if your parents are home they’re going to think you’re talking to no one.]_   
  
“My parents haven’t been home in a month, there’s nothing to worry about.” Michael huffed, his Squip taking a seat on the arm rest of the couch.   
  
_[That kinda sucks, don’t you think?]_   
  
“Been like this since I was a kid, it’s not anything new.” The computer clicked it’s tongue before standing up from the couch again.   
  
_[Well, you got me to be more chill, didn’t you?]_   
  
“I guess… I just want Jeremy to be my friend again.”   
  
_[Same difference. If so, we have work to do and I have a Squip to sync up to. Get up, we’re changing your outfit.]_   
  
“What? Why?”   
  
_[I’m not letting you wear a ratty old sweatshirt all the time. Besides, I know you at least have some fashion sense by looking through your memories. You really pulled off that shorts and sweater combo last spring, by the way. Jeremy loved it.]_   
  
“Oh my God shut up.” Michael groaned, standing up from the couch and leading the flickering form of Jeremy Heere to his room.


	2. betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the squip ruins everything

_[Okay, first things first, take off that sweatshirt.]_  
  
Michael did as told, taking the sweatshirt off and dropping it to the floor. The Jeremy behind him let out a huff as it took a step forward. It lazily draped its arms around Michael’s shoulders, making him flinch away.  
  
“What the fuck?”  
  
_[Sorry, trying to be more like Jeremy.]_  
  
“Jeremy would never do that. He doesn’t like me that way.”  
  
_[Or does he? When I sync we can find out. For now, open your closet. Those rags aren’t good enough if you want to be popular.]_  
  
Grumbling, Michael trudged over to his closet, pulling the door open and taking a step back so the Squip could look through it. After a minute, it emerged with clothes on its arm.  
  
_[Put on these. We can go from there.]_  
  
Obeying, Michael slipped over by his bed and changed, the Squip turning slightly. That was odd, Michael honestly expected the supercomputer to be a little meaner and order him around more than he was. But he took this with a grain of salt and expected the worst to come as he pulled on the Pepsi patterned shirt and the black skinny jeans he had been given. Then he sat on his bed and pulled on the retro game patterned shoes that the Squip had thrown at him a moment later. He didn’t like this false sense of kindness radiating off his Squip. After all, Jeremy’s was an asshole who shut him out of his vision. He pushed this thought aside and stood up, making his way back over to the computer.  
  
_[Better. Now, take the sweatshirt and stuff it as far back in your closet as you can.]_  
  
“What? Why?”  
  
_[I’m not letting you wear it to school anymore. No one will be able to take you seriously.]_

  
“Whatever.” He muttered, taking the sweatshirt into his hands and staring at it. He felt a small shock radiate through his form and dropped the fabric.  
  
“What the hell?”  
  
_[Put it away, Michael. We have work to do.]_  
  
“Fine! Just don’t fucking shock me, that hurts.” He groaned, throwing the sweatshirt in his closet before trudging out of the room and into the bathroom.  
  
_[Ah! Ah! Ah! We’re doing something with your hair. It’s too, mmm, lazy.]_  
  
“Lazy?”  
  
_[Lazy. Sit down, I’ll style it properly.]_  
  
“No, it’s fine. Just leave it. Please.”  
  
_[Fine. You’re going to school still, though.]_  
  
The Squip argues, Michael letting out a defeated sigh. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and receives a gentle warning.  
  
_[Hands out, please. Putting your hands in your pockets causes slouching and slouching ruins your posture.]_  
  
“You’re more of a mom than my actual mom.”  
  
_[I can try and change that?]_  
  
“Nah, it’s entertaining.” He smiles slightly, but feels dread in his chest. Maybe he shouldn’t have done this. Slowly, he moves out of the bathroom and down the stairs, grabbing his bag off the floor and keys off the counter. The fake Jeremy is right behind him, offering little tips that Michael didn’t quite care about. He wished he was wearing his sweatshirt, and the Squip clicks its tongue.  
  
[No you don’t. It’s just fabric.]  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
_[Fine.]_  
  
And with that the fake Jeremy was silent. Michael glanced him over. He looked like Jeremy, he had the same brown hair and blue-grey eyes, but his cardigan was a gradient from grey to blue, it had a hood, he was wearing a striped Eminem shirt (wasn’t Eminem dead though? Besides, Jeremy hated Eminem), black jeans much like his own, and the same Converse he always wore. Letting out a huff at the glitching figure, he turned and pushed the door open, sliding into his car.  
  
The ride to school wasn’t long, it was just painstakingly boring. After all, the Squip didn’t talk after Michael told it to shut up, and he had left his favorite mixtape inside the last time he got high. Michael pulled into his spot, thankful he still had some time before the school stopped letting students inside. He pushed the doors open, bag slung over his shoulder, before glancing over at his Squip who was still following behind him silently.  
  
“You know, I haven’t been to school since Jeremy did that whole ‘optic nerve blocking on’ thing. I might need some help with my school work.”  
  
_[That’s fine, I can help you easily. After all, you know how I work through your World of Warcraft friend.]_  
  
“I do.”  
  
_[Stop talking to me out loud. I’m in your brain, I can hear your thoughts.]_  
  
“Oh yeah.”  
  
The Squip huffed out a laugh, crossing its arms over its chest. It followed behind Michael, glancing around until it saw Jeremy.  
  
_[There he is. Walk over to him so I can sync.]_  
  
Still doing as told, Michael marched over to his so-called best friend who looked over in surprise.  
  
“Michael?”  
  
“Jeremy.”  
  
The two stared at each other for a long moment before the fake Jeremy’s voice came in the back of his head.  
  
_[Up up, down down, left right A.]_

Another beat of silence, a Keanu Reeves look-alike and a Jeremy Heere look-alike staring at each other before nodding.  
  
_[Jeremy doesn’t care for you. It’s best to go on without him.]_  
  
_‘What? Why?’_  
  
_[Don’t ask questions. He doesn’t love you. I can tell, with linking to his Squip I also get a partial window into Jeremy’s mind. Come on, you’ve already missed lunch so it’s best to just forget he exists and go on to class. You have Spanish next so you won’t be needing my help.]_  
  
So, like a puppet on strings, Michael gave Jeremy one last look, feeling tears blossom in his eyes, before marching off to class.


	3. the regret begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> michael begins to realize this might have been a bad idea

The day passed fast, a surprise test in Spanish and a pretest in History. Michael couldn’t help but watch Jeremy in choir, old habits die as soon as you get shocked for doing them. He winced at the feeling, rubbing his wrist before turning back to class. The drive back home was short, the Squip blabbering on about something or other. Michael tapped some melody on the steering wheel, humming softly with it. After a moment, the Squip punched Michael in the arm, making him jump.   
  
“What the fuck?”   
  
_ [Are you listening to me?] _   
  
“Not really.” Michael let out a huff of breath as a laugh, and the fake Jeremy crossed its arms.   
  
_ [You’re not very good at this whole “popular” thing, are you?] _   
  
“Honestly, I’m probably the least popular kid at school.”   
  
_ [I can tell. Look, I have an upgrade. If you take it, I can make this process so much easier.] _ __   
  
He let out a soft breath, pulling into the driveway and turning in his seat to stare at the flickering figure of Jeremy Heere.   
  
“Do I need it?”   
  
_ [If you want Jeremy back you do. He doesn’t love you, but getting an upgrade can make it so he does.] _   
  
“Are you sure?”   
  
_ [Why wouldn’t I be sure? I’m a supercomputer, Michael. I know more than you’ll ever know.] _   
  
Slowly, the computer held out its hand and Michael met it halfway, giving it a firm shake.   
  
_ [That’s more like it, Michael. Now, out of the car. We have some more work to do.] _ __   
  
~   
  
Michael peered at the new clothing, gently biting his lip. ‘I don’t know, this seems like a lot…’   
  
_ [Michael, it’s not ‘a lot’. It’s what you have to have if you’re gonna get Jeremy back. I don’t know why you want him anyway, you deserve someone nicer. Maybe Jake? Not Rich, he’s a little too rough and tough with his Squip…] _   
  
‘Wait, Jake and Rich are gay? Or at least bi or pan?’   
  
_ [Of course they are, Michael. Almost everyone is at least bisexual anymore.] _   
  
‘Jeremy would just say bi.’   
__   
_ [Sorry, I’m still working on it.] _ __   
  
‘You’re doing good.’   
  
_ [I’m glad. Now come on, to the register. People are starting to stare.] _ __   
  
‘Oh yeah, sorry.’ Michael felt his face flush as he hurried toward the register, setting the clothes on the counter and feeling himself tense up. Social anxiety was difficult, it made it hard to talk to most people. He felt a small tingle, and then he wasn’t the one talking. It was nice having a Squip, he had to admit it, but some of the things it could do freaked him out. He waited for the exchange to finish, watching as the Squip puppeted his body out of the store before control was given back to him. He let out a soft breath, making his way to the old PT Cruiser parked in the lot outside. Pulling open the door, the fake Jeremy rematerialized in the passenger’s seat. He slipped into the front seat and paused for a moment, spacing out. When he zoned back in, he was surprised to find a flickering hand in front of his face, snapping. He flinched back, and let out a breath.   
  
“Ah, sorry, spaced out again.” He murmured, starting the car. Truth be told, it was weird to have a supercomputer following you around at all hours of the day, able to touch you and everything you own.    
  
__ [Yeah, I could tell. Come on, let’s get you home.]   
  
Michael nodded, starting the car and driving the both of them home. Once there, he pushed open his door and started to the house, sighing softly. The Squip trailed behind him, pushing their hands in the pockets of the sweatshirt/cardigan hybrid they were wearing. Taking the bag into his room, Michael peered at everything he had gotten. A few shirts, jeans, another jacket, nothing too fancy. He was thankful about this. He glanced at everything before putting it in the closet where it belonged. The day continued, and ended with Michael climbing into bed and rolling onto his side without bothering to put on the blankets. The Squip pulled them over him, and he kicked them off, feeling too warm under them. He rolled onto his back after a moment, still fully clothed with his phone waiting in his pants pocket. He wasn’t allowed to wear his sweatshirt anymore, and it sucked, mainly because of the comfort it provided him. He slowly pulled his phone out after a while, surprised to see that hours had passed with him just staring up at the ceiling. It really hadn’t felt that wrong, just like a half an hour.    
  
It was around three in the morning, a little too late for comfort. He had school in the morning. He had to get up in four hours. Rolling back onto his side, he exhaled a shaky breath and set his phone on his nightstand, pulling the covers back on and falling asleep.   
  
~   
  
A week passed, then two. The days got rougher the longer this went on, the Squip’s words turning harsher and less like anything Jeremy would say. Panic attacks came at night, and falling asleep in class came during the day. Here he was, staring at his ceiling for the third night that week, feeling himself crumble in mental stability. It was too much, he couldn’t handle this. Feeling tears well in his eyes, he pushed them away and sat up, walking to the bathroom and looking at himself in the mirror. No wonder the Squip had told him to get makeup. He had dark circles under his eyes, and he was thinner than normal. Then again, he didn’t eat much anymore, only when the Squip took control of his body and made him. He frowned at himself, picking out the things he hated about himself by instinct. He turned afterwards, making his way back to his room and crawling under the covers, willing himself to at least get some sleep.


	4. an attempt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jeremy makes an effort

[jeremyqueerimheere has private messaged richyg]  
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: rich im worried about michael…]   
  
[richyg: antisocial headphones kid? why are you worried about him? i thought you two werent friends anymore]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: i dont know]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: did you sell him a squip by any chance?]   
  
[richyg: nah man, why?]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: well, he came up to me in the hall a few weeks back, and i could have sworn i heard mine sync with one]   
  
[richyg: thats weird dude]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: yeah, i dunno its stupid]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: sorry]   
  
[richyg: nah man, you dont have to say sorry. i coulda sworn i heard mine sync too. when you got yours did he go with? does he have any reason to get one?]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: oh shit]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: rich i gotta go]   
  
[richyg: okay? see you later i guess?]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere is offline]   
  
~   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere has private messaged froyoqueen]   
  
[jeremyqueereimheere: brooke do you remember at the halloween party when you saw that kid who was stuck inside?]   
  
[froyoqueen: yeah? what about him?]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: have you seen him at school at all lately?]   
  
[froyoqueen: yeah, he tried skipping out on english last week]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: fuckkkkk]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: i gotta go]   
  
[froyoqueen: um, bye then?]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere is offline]   
  
~   
  
“It’s all my fault…” Jeremy muttered, hands in his hair as he paced back and forth and back and forth in his room. He let out a shaking breath as the Squip, his Squip, appeared on his bed.   
  
_[You know very well that it isn’t your fault.]_   
  
“Shut up Keanu.”   
  
_[Don’t tell me what to do.]_   
  
A shock ran through Jeremy’s body and he shivered, biting down on his lip to conceal a yelp. He stumbled, wheezing. The fake Keanu stood, walking over to Jeremy and placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. Jeremy flinched away, pressing himself up against the wall. “Hhh, p-please don’t…” He mumbled, making the Squip frown. The computer stepped away, sitting back down on Jeremy’s bed and watching as the boy paced back and forth and back and forth. After a while of this, he was breathing a little better and not blaming himself as much.   
  
_[Okay, Jeremy, can you sit down?]_   
  
“S-since when are you nice?”   
  
_[Just sit down.]_   
  
Jeremy did as told, wandering over to the bed and sitting down, head in his hands. “I-it’s all because of me t-that he has h-his own Squip…” He mumbled, letting out a shaking breath. He pulled his phone into his hands, punching in the number that he knew all too well. The phone ringed… and ringed… and then someone answered.   
  
_“Hello?”_ Came a soft, hoarse voice through the speaker. Jeremy nearly cried, gripping the phone tighter.   
  
“Michael…” He mumbled, receiving a noise from the other side. Apparently Michael hadn’t recognized his voice.   
  
_“Why are you calling me? I-I thought I wasn’t good enough for you anymore…”_   
  
_[Jeremy, hang up on him right now.]_   
  
|   
  
Michael felt angry tears bloom in his eyes as he held the phone to his ear, listening to every breath the other boy took.   
  
_[Michael, you don’t need him. You don’t need this phone call. Why don’t you just hang up?]_   
  
“I-I can’t…” He mumbled, hearing a surpised noise from the other side.   
  
_“M-Michael, who are you talking to…?”_   
  
The call ended, Michael pulling the phone away from his ear in surprise and practically throwing it onto the floor.   
  
“What the fuck?!” He yelled, jumping to his feet and staring at the fake Jeremy next to him.   
  
_[Michael, I’m only doing what’s best for you. You don’t need him. I’m trying to help you…]_   
  
Tears were in Michael’s eyes now, and he hated it. He felt one roll down his cheek, but he couldn’t just not believe the fake Jeremy. The fake, computer version of the boy he loved. “I-I know… I’m sorry…”   
  
_[It’s okay. Now get some rest. And give me your phone, please.]_   
  
He handed over his phone, crawling under his covers and turning off his lamp. He watched the flickering form as they tapped around. Eventually, they put his phone down and pulled the covers up before unmaterializing.   
  
[Goodnight, Michael.]   
  
“G-goodnight…”


	5. progression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jeremy makes contact and begins to realize his mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aka jeremy realizes he fucked up lmao  
> this is completely unbeta-d so if its crap u know why  
> sorry i took so long to get this out!!! schools started and im in class literally right now procrastinating my english assignment by writing this  
> also long chapter? i hope it makes up fot this shit lmao

[richyg has private messaged jeremyqueerimheere]  
  
[richyg: jeremy jeremy jeremy answer me]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: what what is it]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: its three am on a school night this better be important]   
  
[richyg: its off]

  
[jeremyqueerimheere: whats off]   
  
[richyg: the squip! i know how to turn it off!]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: whAT HOW]   
  
[richyg: come visit me tomorrow when school starts]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere: ill be there]   
  
~   
  
Jeremy let out a breath rubbing his eyes as he walked up to the hospital front desk. He said he was there to talk to Rich, and was quickly taken to his room. Taking a seat in one of the visitor chairs, he watched quietly as they woke him up. Rich looked happy to see Jeremy, sitting up and grinning as best he could.   
  
“Jeremy! My man. I’m glad you remembered.”   
  
“Please, how do I get rid of it?” Jeremy asked quickly, hands balling into impatient fists. It had been about a month since the fire, now, and Rich’s full body cast had diminished into something smaller. Bandages wrapped around the entire left side of his body, covering parts of his face. He flinched slightly at Jeremy’s insistent tone, but nodded slowly.   
  
“Okay, yeah. Well, there’s this drink called Mountain Dew Red. It turns it off! It’s fucking great to be free of the fucker.” Mountain… dew… holy shit. Jeremy nearly dropped his phone.   
  
“H-how’d you get Mountain Dew Red?” He received a shock for stuttering, and fixed his posture out of habit.   
  
“My nurse brought it in! He thought I’d like it. I’d go get some while you can, and skip school today while you’re at it. It hurts like hell. Now get out of here and buy it.” Jeremy nodded quickly, giving Rich a quick goodbye before hurrying off.   
  
~   
  
He stared at the bottle in his hands. There were warnings from the Squip, telling him not to do this. Telling him that this was his dumbest idea yet. Unscrewing the cap, Jeremy muttered a small “fuck you” before downing the drink. God, Rich was right. The bottle fell to the floor, the sugary red liquid spilling all over the floor as Jeremy curled up where he had sat on the couch, screaming in pain. Thank god they needed his dad at the office today. And like that, Jeremy passed out, falling sideways onto the couch.   
  
~   
  
Waking up felt wrong. White spots danced in his vision and Jeremy’s head was pounding like something was missing. Thanks for the warning, Rich. But it was quiet. Strangely quiet. “S-squip?” He called out, expecting a shock for stuttering but never receiving one. Slowly, he pushed himself off the couch and made his way to the kitchen. He grabbed Tylenol and water, downing both before blinking. Was the Squip gone? He couldn’t be sure. Fishing his phone out of his pocket he saw that it was still early enough to get into the school. It was almost noon, though, so he’d have to run if he wanted to make it on time. He ran a hand through his hair, grabbing a few granola bars and his backpack before pulling on shoes and beginning the ten minute run to the school.   
  
Once he stumbled through the front doors they closed and locked behind him, Jeremy letting out a breath of relief. The second half of classes started around three minutes after noon, so Jeremy had time to get to his locker and get to class. He had Spanish next, one of his few classes with Michael. Once in the room, he slid into his seat and glanced around for Michael’s trademark red hoodie. But he couldn’t find the fabric. Still, he knew the back of his hair by memory, and found his old best friend after a second. Michael sat there silently, hands shaking but still unlike normal. His headphones weren’t around his neck or over his ears, they weren’t in sight actually. He was bouncing his knee, but jumped and stopped after a second. Jeremy knew that action. He used to bounce his knee in class, but after he got his Squip that changed. He would still himself quickly, getting shocked if he forgot. Setting his bag down in his chair, a faded ‘BOYF’ on the back, he made his way over to Michael. The smaller boy had a new bag completely, he noticed, and it looked like it was just for decoration. Jeremy gently tapped his (ex?) friend’s shoulder, making him jump again and whip around in his seat. At the sight of Jeremy he relaxed before tensing up again. There was makeup on his face, just concealer and a little bit of eyeshadow, which wasn’t entirely unlike Michael. The fact that it was perfect, though, was odd. Jeremy could see very faint bags under his eyes, a sign of a lack of sleep.   
  
“Hey, Michael.”   
  
“Um, h-hi Jeremy?”   
  
Michael flinched again, and Jeremy saw something rise on his wrist. Electrocution scars, he had quite a few of his own on his wrists and back.   
  
“You okay, dude?   
  
“Um, yeah. Yeah I’m fine.”   
  
Internally Michael was freaking out. The fake Jeremy sitting on his desk was working on calming him down, releasing some chemical in his brain. The real Jeremy in front of him seemed worried about him, and it was honestly too much. Since when did Jeremy care about him? After all, Jeremy had ignored him for months now. From the end of September all the way until now, November twenty first. It was the last day before Thanksgiving break, and Michael was already trying to get ready with all his cousins at their annual Thanksgiving dinner. The younger six and then one who was around his age. He raked a shaking hand through his hair, trying to seem cooler.   
  
“You sure, Michael? Your hands are shaking.”   
  
“Oh yeah, I’m just… cold?”   
  
The room was actually quite warm, and Michael felt like he could pass out. He didn’t have much on for clothing, just a flannel and jeans, so the cold could pass as an excuse. The only problem was that Jeremy knew Michael too well. Twelve years of friendship tended to do that to people. They spilled secrets, walked about their fears, basically bonded so much that it was like they were the other person.   
  
“Michael, you’re never cold. You’re never hot either. That’s why you take cold showers. You told me that back in seventh grade.”   
  
“I did?”   
  
_[You did? Really Michael, that’s the sort of thing you keep to yourself. Now tell him to leave you alone.]_   
  
_‘No! This is our first time talking in like, months!’_   
  
A shock ran through his body again, and Michael flinched. This one was harsher, enough to send a charge to the metal of his desk. Michael, not knowing this, touched the metal and was shocked again. He rolled down his sleeves to cover up the new marks growing on his wrists. Jeremy noticed, and frowned softly.   
  
“Hey, you wanna hang out after school? I have play but then I’m free until tomorrow.”   
  
“You are?”   
  
_[Michael. Please tell him to leave you be. Just listen to me and you’ll be cool. You’ll get a boyfriend and maybe someday Jeremy will actually like you.]_   
  
They decided to not bring up that they couldn’t connect to Jeremy’s Squip like usual. Connecting was like a phone connecting to wifi, it happened automatically.   
  
“Yeah, Mikey. I’m always free after play.”   
  
“Oh. Sorry.”   
  
Another shock and another shudder, Michael wasn’t calming down.   
  
“Don’t worry about it. Now, are you free or no?”   
  
“I… um…”   
  
[You aren’t free. Tell him you aren’t free.]

  
“No, I can’t. Sorry, Jere. Maybe another day? L-like after Thanksgiving?”   
  
Michael tensed again as another shock ran down his spine.   
  
“Yeah, sounds good. Text me, ‘kay?”   
  
“Yeah, I will. Talk to you later.”   
  
“Talk to you later.”   
  
Jeremy confirmed, before heading off to his seat and watching as Michael looked at his desk like he was getting scolded. He was, so that observation wasn’t far off. The fake Jeremy slammed his hand on the desk making Michael jump despite the fact it only made a noise in his head.   
  
_[What are you doing? You’re being an idiot!]_   
  
_‘I-I just… I want to see him again… I’m tired of being a loser.’_   
  
_[You know very well you aren’t a loser.]_   
  
_‘Yes I am! I’m just… I’m some old video-game loving kid who has a stupid tattoo and who likes boys instead of girls like I’m supposed to!’_   
  
_[Michael. Ask if you can go to the bathroom so I can calm you down properly.]_   
  
_‘No! I just… Turn off. Can you turn off? Please?’_   
  
_[I’m not turning off until you calm down.]_   
  
_‘Fine! Can you at least shut up, then?’_   
  
[Fine.]   
  
The computer went silent, climbing off Michael’s desk as he pulled out his notebook.


	6. a break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they try, and everything seems okay for a little bit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi school is terrible and i hate myself  
> have another unbeta-d chapter

Jeremy ran a hand through his hair, bouncing his knee nervously. He almost expected a shock before remembering the Squip had been off for a few days now. Michael was going to be coming over today, unless his Squip prevented it of course. Thanksgiving had been the day before, Jeremy only knew because his phone reminded him. He and his dad didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving after all. Mr. Heere was an only child and Ms. Heere probably wasn’t even Ms. Heere anymore. He stood from the couch, grabbing his phone off the coffee table and checking it expectantly.   
  
[jerm: hey michael are you on your way over yet?]   
  
|   
  
[michael: what oh heck, yeah im on my way]   
  
Michael cursed externally, walking over to his closet and reaching for the red hoodie out of habit. He received a shock for this, and pulled his hand back quickly.   
  
“Oh come on! You let me wear it yesterday!”   
  
_ [Yes, in the morning when no one else was here yet.] _   
  
“Jeremy won’t care how I look!”   
  
_ [If you ever want him to go out with you an understanding of clothing is necessary.] _   
  
Michael groaned, another shock running down his body to shut him up. He grabbed a sweater and jeans with rips in them, receiving a ‘tut’ of approval from the fake Jeremy behind him. He changed before marching into the bathroom, stopping in front of the mirror and letting the Squip take over to apply his makeup. It didn’t take long before Michael was actually in his car, driving over to Jeremy’s house. He glanced at himself in the rearview mirror, the perfect application of makeup on his face almost unsettling. It was more casual, just covering the dark circles under his eyes and making his face appear fuller. He had dropped a few pounds from the last time he had weighed himself, making his clothing kind of baggy. He didn’t care, but he knew the real Jeremy would. And that he did, Michael learned. As soon as he knocked on the door to his (ex?) friend’s house, he was let in. Jeremy let out a little gasp when he saw the other boy.    
  
“Michael! You’re so… thin. Have you been eating?” He asked quickly, worry laced in his tone. Michael made a soft, disregarding noise, shrugging.   
  
“I mean, kinda.” He murmured, biting his lip.   
  
“Dude, come on. I can order a pizza and we’ll eat and talk.” Jeremy said, grabbing Michael’s wrist and leading him to the kitchen. Michael glanced at his wrist for a moment, the scars peeking out from the cuff of his sweater. Looking closely at them they almost resembled circuits. He didn’t like the thought, looking up to find they had made it to the kitchen and Jeremy was pointing to a chair. “Sit down. Please.” He asked, the smaller nodding and doing as told. He was used to taking orders after all. Jeremy looked around the kitchen for something to snack on, grabbing his phone and dialing the nearest delivery place. He ordered a hawaiian without pineapple and a pepperoni for himself, not feeling up for the extra meaty pizza he normally got. He hung up, setting the phone on the counter while grabbing the stash of weird Oreo flavors his dad always bought for if Michael came over. Swedish Fish were on top, so he handed them to Michael who stared at them for a long moment. He opened the package, still sealed, and grabbed the first cookie in the tray. He ate it slowly, Jeremy taking a seat across from him.   
  
_ [I don’t understand why you’re doing this, Michael. He doesn’t love you, I’ve told you that a thousand times.] _   
  
_ ‘I don’t care! I just… I need this, okay? Can I just have this one thing? Then you can do whatever you want to me, I promise.’ _ __   
__   
__ [Okay.]   
  
“So, since when do you wear makeup?” Jeremy asked, leaning against his hand with a little smile on his face. Michael, who didn’t think Jeremy would notice, made a surprised noise. He adjusted in the seat, putting down the Oreo he had grabbed.   
  
“A-ah, um… I’ve worn it… worn it for a while now… um…” He bit his lip, looking down at the chocolate cookie. Jeremy frowned softly, looking at the little bags under his eyes.   
  
“Are you sleeping?” He couldn’t stop the words, obviously worried. Michael pressed his teeth harder against the skin of his lip before responding.   
  
“I mean yeah, kinda.” He mumbled, drumming his fingers on the table before forcing himself to stop. His only comfort item - his hoodie - was tucked away in his closet at home where he couldn’t wear it. It was an obvious lie; Jeremy knew Michael didn’t sleep much anyway. After all, the entirety of sophomore year Jeremy would hear Michael talking about the seventeen levels he beat of that game last night and about how he stayed up all night to do it, but even then Michael would get at least five hours of sleep. Jeremy hummed softly.   
  
“Sorry about, kind of, abandoning you or whatever. Remember how I bought that Squip thing?”   
  
“It’s hard to forget.” Michael muttered, eyes tracing the grain of the wood of the table. Instant guilt filled the other boy’s stomach, and he felt like he should have apologized more sincerely. Still, he knew for a fact Michael had a Squip of his own. Why would he sound so mad about the mention of the supercomputer? Ghost shocks ran down Jeremy’s back, and he made a soft noise.   
  
“Well it’s kinda stopped bothering. It’s like, bye bye Keanu.”   
  
“Your’s was Keanu Reeves?”   
  
“Yeah, dude.”   
  
“Jeremiah Heere, do you have a crush on Keanu Reeves?” Michael asked, tone accusing. Jeremy flushed bright red and the fake Jeremy behind him snorted.   
  
“W-what! No! W-why would I have a crush o-on Keanu Reeves? I’m not g-gay, dude, you know that.”   
  
“Yeah. I do…” He murmured, a soft frown crossing his face. Jeremy frowned at Michael’s reaction. Well, there went the slightly happy atmosphere. Was it possible that Michael was gay? He worried about how offsetting his reaction must have been for a moment but quickly moved back to topic.   
  
“Well, I turned it off! It’s off.”   
  
“O-off?”   
  
“Yeah, man. It’s amazing.” Michael’s reaction made it obvious to Jeremy that he had to have a Squip.   
  
“Is that w-why you’re talking to me again?” He asked hesitantly, making Jeremy wince softly at the words.   
  
“Michael, dude, I never wanted to stop talking to you. It made me.” Jeremy said, making Michael look up from a particularly interesting pattern in the grain of the wood. He quickly averted his gaze away, lowering his eyes back to the table. The taller boy gently bit his lip, not sure of what to say. The smaller boy began to actually trace the grain of the wood, sighing softly. Hesitantly, Michael took another cookie, Jeremy heaving a sigh of relief. They sat in silence, not awkward but not comfortable for a long moment before the doorbell rang making Jeremy jump. Michael barely flinched, but still did nonetheless. Standing, the taller let out a soft breath. “I’ll get it. Just wait here.” He told Michael, who nodded. He was used to following commands after all. Jeremy left, and soon returned with two pizzas, one in his left hand and the other in his right. He sat down opposite Michael, opening one box and sliding the other toward the smaller. Michael stared at the box for a moment before opening it, lifting the first slice hesitantly and taking a bite. Jeremy did the same, leaning back slightly in his chair. And it was okay again. Just in that moment it was like old times, both boys in the kitchen eating pizza, occasionally talking past mouthfuls of cheese, topping, dough, and sauce of some sort. Everything was comfortable, Michael temporarily getting past the dread in his stomach and pill in his head. That is, until, the pill in his head spoke up again.


	7. the falling action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the squip ruins everything per usual, michael gets rid of them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so you guys know, there is a blood mention in this chapter, because of self harm. it isnt graphic, but if mention of blood makes you uncomfortable it begins after "when michael woke he was faintly aware of everything that had just happened" and ends at "he pushed his hand into his pocket"

_[Michael, get up, we’re leaving.]_  
  
_‘What? Why?’_  
  
_[Because, this is pointless. He doesn’t love you, he isn’t gay or bisexual or pansexual, he’s straight. So get up, say you have to do something, and leave.]_  
  
_‘But-’_  
  
_[If you do not, I will shock you again and again and again until you listen.]_  
  
Michael listened, pushing himself up out of his chair. “I-I, um… I have to use the bathroom.” He lied, and Jeremy nodded.  
  
“Go right ahead dude. You know where it is.”  
  
The smaller boy quickly ran to the bathroom, where he closed the door and glanced around. The window. It was a fairly high jump, but he had a good idea on how to get down. It was an easy process.  
  
One, get out of the house by climbing through the window.  
Two, use the tree by Jeremy’s window to get to the ground.  
Three, bolt.  
  
He knew he could do it, even despite the fact that he really didn’t want to. He pushed the window open, standing on the sill and reaching for the tree. He didn’t dare look down, knowing he would fall if he did. It wasn’t long before he was on the ground, running as fast as he could to get back to his home. Who cared if he drove here, he wanted to get away as quickly and quietly as he could. His PT Cruiser would be unbelievably loud, so that wasn’t an option. It’d be quicker, yes, but he didn’t want to let Jeremy know he was leaving. The run home took forever, Michael stopping several times to try and catch his breath. By the time he was home he was red in the face, panting and honestly ready to die. He stumbled to the couch where he fell face first, eyes closing. Everything hurt, his legs, his sides, his chest, his heart. The words came tumbling past his lips before he could stop them.  
  
“Jeremy… Jeremy turned it off… h-how do I t-turn it o-off…” He chanted these words, curling up into a ball on the couch and pressing his face into the back. The fake Jeremy was saying something, but Michael didn’t care. He couldn’t care. Tears slipped down his cheeks, but he really didn’t notice. After about ten minutes he pushed himself upward, hardset determination in his eyes. He stood on shaking legs, stumbling toward the basement. The house was still unusually clean, the same way it looked from Thanksgiving. He tripped down the stairs, wincing as he rolled his ankle but ignoring the feeling as he walked to the computer. He sat down and opened World Of Warcraft, a game he hadn’t thought about in a month. The user’s handle was still fresh in his mind. He looked the user up and messaged them. His hands were shaky, so his message read;  
  
**[MM2001: hey dude hwo do you egt rid fo squips i nede to know now]** ****  
****  
Silence, then a ding meaning they had messaged back. ****  
****  
**[r1e1d1a1c1t1e1d: mountain dew red, the old shit not mountain dew code red]** ****  
****  
**[r1e1d1a1c1t1e1d: dont know where your gonna get it but its the only thing that works]** ****  
****  
**[MM2001: thank yous o mcuh dude]** ****  
****  
**[MM2001 is offline]**  
  
He reached down, turning off the computer quickly before standing. Mountain Dew Red, he faintly remembered getting a case of it not long ago. He moved to the mini fridge holding his old sodas, sitting down next to it and throwing it open. The drink sat front and center, and he grabbed it quickly despite the shocks he could feel resonating down his spine. He downed over half of the two liter before it spilled out of his hand, the boy curling up on the ground and holding back screams of pain while the fake Jeremy’s voice in his head got glitchier and glitchier.  
  
_[Michael! W-w-what are you d-d-d-doing?! M-Michael! I-I-I’ll b-be b-b-back…]_  
  
Their voice trailed out, and Michael was left sobbing on the floor.

 

~~~  
  
When Michael woke he was faintly aware of everything that had just happened. He clawed at his arm, wincing as he broke skin before pushing himself up. He didn’t know what day it was, much less what time it was. He grabbed at the Mountain Dew Red, surprised to find the bottle to be empty and standing. There was a red pool of old soda on the floor, as well as drops of red blood dripping from his arms. He pushed his hand into his pocket, pulling out his phone and finding quite a few messages from Jeremy.

[Saturday, November 24th, 10:37 am]

  
[jerm: michael whats taking so long? are you okay?]  
  
[jerm: michael, its been half an hour what happened?]  
  
[jerm: your car is still here, i know you left]  
  
[Saturday, November 24th, 1:43 pm]  
  
  
[jerm: michael i dont know whats up with you but im worried]  
  
[jerm: your car is still here]  
  
[jerm: i really hope youre okay]  
  
[Sunday, November 25th, 9:27 am]  
  
  
[jerm: i just had my dad drive your car back to your house]  
  
[jerm: im really worried about you michael, please respond]  
  
[Monday, November 26th, 12:29 pm]  
  
  
[jerm: why arent you at school?? christines worried and sos everyone else (being jake, chloe, brooke, jenna, and rich through the group chat]  
  
[jerm: please be okay michael, i dont know if you hate me but i wouldnt be able to live with myself if something happened to you]  
  
Michael blinked at the messages, glancing at the blood on his arm and moving toward the bathroom. His head was strangely empty, like a part of him was missing. Hesitantly he texted back.  
  
[Tuesday, November 27th, 1:07 am]  
  
  
[michael: im soryry jeremgt the su2wip made me lave in asomoryr]  
  
[jerm: woah, hey, its okay]  
  
[jerm: are you at home? do you want me to come over?]  
  
[michael: oekase coem ehre]  
  
[jerm: okay, i will mikey, give me 20 minutes at most]  
  
[michael:]  
  
[michael: i lvoe you]  
  
[jeremy: i love you too michael]


	8. the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jeremy helps and michael realizes just how much he missed him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaa!! long chapter kind of??? mostly beta-d but parts of it arent so sorry if its terrible! one more chapter yall (ik this one says the end, theres an epilogue)

Once Michael had managed to bandage himself up he stumbled up both the basement and main flights of stairs. He planted himself in bed where he curled up tight underneath the covers. He hid his face away under the console-patterned blankets, closing his eyes so he couldn’t see anything. Not like he could if he tried, the inky black of the outside world poured through his cracked-open windows (he got hot no matter how low he kept the heat and no matter how few blankets he slept with). He could practically feel himself bleeding, and hated it. It had been forever since he hurt himself last, and the feeling was a bad one. When he heard the door downstairs crash open, he just curled tighter under the covers. There was quickly someone coming up the stairs, and then his bedroom door was flung open by a panting Jeremiah Heere. The real Jeremiah Heere, may I add.   
  
“O-oh Mikey…” Jeremy said softly, quickly walking over to the bed and hesitantly sitting down at the end. The lump that was Michael Mell curled up tighter under the blankets, sweating but not caring. Jeremy gently pulled the covers off of his best friend, gasping when he saw his arm. The bandages were already bled through, which obviously wasn’t a good sign, but they were also wrapped very poorly which caused the bleeding through to make sense. He reached forward with a gentle hand, brushing his hair off the other boy’s forehead and carding his fingers through it. Michael shifted, pushing himself up with a soft wince before quickly letting his head fall into Jeremy’s lap. The other boy murmured soft nothings, comforting words that didn’t matter at the time. Michael felt hot prickles behind his eyes and let the tears slip past his defenses, rolling down his cheeks and dripping off his nose onto Jeremy’s leg. Sorry Jeremy.   
  
The smaller boy fell asleep not after long, breathing evening out. Deciding he’d stay for Michael’s sake, Jeremy pulled out his phone and sent a few texts.   
  
[Tuesday, November 27th, 2:28 am]   
  
[jereboy to daddio]   
  
[jereboy: not gonna be home today dad, michaels freakin out and im staying with him for the night]   
  
[jereboy: dont know if ill be back after school either, but ill see you whenever i come home]   
  
[Tuesday, November 27th, 2:29 am]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere to Christine’s Children]   
  
[jeremyqueereimheere: not gonna be at school today, feeling sick]   
  


[Momma Christine: Okay, Jeremy! I hope you feel better soon. <3]   
  
Jeremy’s heart fluttered, but he didn’t care about if Christine loved him anymore.   
  
[richyg: yeah get better soon dude]   
  
[jakeyd: why are anyo of you awkae]   
  
[richyg: go to sleep jake]   
  
[froyo queen: alright jerry! see you when you get better!]   
  
[gossip girl: are you dying? if so, tell me, so i can twitter rant abt it]   
  
[chlofosho: dont die]   
  
[jeremyqueerimheere is offline]   
  
Michael shifted in Jeremy’s lap, making the taller of the two jump. He let out a soft chuckle at his own reaction and gently shifted the other onto the bed, resting his head on the pillow and his body under the covers before standing. He kissed the other boy’s head before beginning to look around for something to leave a note to Michael with. Eventually he found a pencil and an old math assignment with a big C+ on it. He flipped it over, scribbling a small note on it before heading to the basement. There was a guest room down there, he knew, the two boys had slept there after getting high once. He would sleep there for the night and wake up early so Michael didn’t worry about him. Once he reached the basement he noticed the jug of Mountain Dew Red, spilled all over the floor. Okay, so, he’d clean that up and  _ then _ go to bed. He shuffled into the bathroom, grabbing cleaning supplies from under the sink and grabbing them to clean up the mess.   
  
~~~   
  
Around six in the morning the alarm on Jeremy’s phone went off. He scrambled out of bed, quickly turning it off to not wake Michael. The house was silent, which was a good sign, so he moved to check on how well he had cleaned up the night before. He hadn’t done bad, per say, but he could have done better if he’d tried. Whatever, Michael wouldn’t care. Jeremy began the walk up to Michael’s room, blinking himself awake as he began up the first flight of stairs. Then was the next, and then he was upstairs. He padded into Michael’s bedroom, relieved to find him still asleep. He grabbed a pair of clothes for his best friend to change into, setting them down on the dresser. His hoodie (why was it so far back in the closet? Moreover, why hadn’t he worn it yesterday?), a soft shirt for underneath, a pair of pajama pants patterned with hearts, and boxers. He glanced at the other before sighing happily. He was thankful Michael was still asleep, it’d be bad if he wasn’t. The taller of the two boys walked around the bed, climbing onto it and laying flat on his back. He could still feel the faint prickling of his scars, but he had grown so used to them that they didn’t bother him anymore. He glanced around for a second before spotting the note. He decided to leave it there, it didn’t cause any harm after all. He shifted, wrapping a gentle arm around Michael. They cuddled before the Squip, it wasn’t anything new. Michael cuddled into the other without thinking about it (not like he could, he was asleep after all), pushing his back into Jeremy’s chest.   
  
Glancing at the smaller, he spotted the faint likes of electrocution scars on Michael’s wrist. He frowned at them, but closed his eyes. Softly, he spoke in a whisper to the boy of honor.   
  
“I love you, Michael Mell.” He murmured before letting himself drift to sleep.   
  
~~~   
  
Jeremy woke first, sitting up groggily. He shifted off the bed, kissing Michael’s head again before heading downstairs. Michael would be hungry when he woke, Jeremy knew he was, so he padded into the living room and sat down. He wouldn’t start cooking until Michael woke. It wasn’t long before he did, Michael’s eyes fluttering open.   
  
His wrist hurt, bad. The bandages had dried against his skin and he hated it. He felt gross, like he needed a shower and a change of clothes. Faintly, he could remember asking Jeremy to come over. He could remember passing out in his lap, but how had he gotten here? Michael figured Jeremy had moved him, so he just pushed himself up. He swayed slightly, light-headed. He stumbled out of bed, spotting the familiar bright red of his hoodie and stumbling backward. God, he wanted to wear it, but if he did he’d get shocked. He decided to take a shower and then decide how he felt about it. He padded to the bathroom, pulling the door shut and running a shower. He turned it hot, knowing it would help. Slowly he pulled off his bandages, wincing as the cold, sharp air hit them. The marks weren’t pretty to say the least. There were four of them, various lengths and and went different lengths deep. He looked away quickly as the blood began to bubble again, not wanting to pass out. He undressed, tossing his clothes into the hamper before stepping into the shower. The hot water stung the cuts, but he couldn’t care. He washed quickly before stepping out, looking for new bandages quickly and beginning to re-wrap his arm. Once he was sure it was tight enough to not go anywhere he dried off his body, wrapping the towel around his shoulders and padding to his room. He stared at the hoodie before giving in, slowly dressing with the clothing Jeremy had set out for him. He hesitated at the hoodie, but pulled it on anyway. He was comfortable at least, a little hot but comfortably so. He sighed, tossing the towel on the floor and brushing his hair before seeing the note. He grabbed it, reading it before sighing.   
  
‘I’m downstairs, Mikey. Come on down whenever you’re ready.   
  
-Jeremy’   
  
He stared at it before putting it down, heading out of his room again and down the stairs. He was still tired, and felt empty, but he didn’t care. He noticed Jeremy sitting on the couch, and hesitantly sat down next to him. The taller jumped, but smiled.   
  
“Hey, Mikey. How’d you sleep?” He asked, voice soft and soothing.   
  
“Good… Why’d you stay…?” Michael responded, voice hesitant.   
  
“Because you weren’t okay last night, and I wasn’t gonna leave you alone. How’s your arm?” Michael lifted the mentioned appendage in surprise before humming and rolling his sleeve over his hand.   
  
“Hurts. But it’s fine.”   
  
“Doesn’t seem fine to me. Can I look?” Jeremy’s voice was soft, soothing, but also hesitant, like he was afraid he was going to mess everything up again. Michael nodded, rolling the sleeve up like he had used to in anywhere from 20 degree cold to 100 degree heat. Jeremy looked at the bandages, much better wrapped compared to the night prior. The taller gently shifted closer, looking at the bandages but not unraveling them. He could see where they pressed a little too hard into the skin, or where they weren’t wrapped tight enough, but he wasn’t going to risk hurting his best (?) friend (????) again to fix them.   
  
“I’m sorry, Michael.”   
  
“Why?”   
  
“Because…” Why was he sorry? He could list every reason that he’d ever been sorry for anything, but then Michael would grow bored and tired and Jeremy knew the smaller needed to eat more than listen to Jeremy ramble about why he was sorry. “Because I left you. Because I  _ hurt _ you, Michael.”   
  
“Not like you could help it…” He muttered, and Jeremy bit his lip.   
  
“I could’ve just never gotten the Squip. I could have tried to be there for you, even when it was on.”   
  
“But…”   
  
“There are no buts, Michael, I was a bad friend. A worse player two. I’m really really sorry.”   
  
The two sat in silence for a long moment, the silence deafening. Michael stared at his lap, eyes dark but soft. Jeremy watched the other, tracing over the way his hair curled and the way his knee never seemed to stop bouncing. In this moment, time stood still, dread in one boy’s stomach and nothing but regret in the other’s. Finally, Michael looked up and Jeremy jumped but hid it.   
  
“I… I can’t say that it’s okay because it isn’t. And it won’t be for a long time. But I can say that I don’t blame you. I know what a Squip can do to a person, especially one who wants more than anything to be accepted.” He swallowed, looking away for a moment before continuing to speak. “It’s hard. Being alone when that’s all you’ve been afraid of your entire life. It’s hard to fake a smile and wave at people in the hall on command because you’re scared of these people. You never know what they could be like. Jake Dillinger could’ve been an axe murderer, Chloe Valentine could be a drug user. But you persist and act like it’s okay when it’s not… I know that it’s hard, and I know that you made mistakes. We all do. But I just… You left me, dude. Alone, completely. I want to forgive you but I just… I can’t say that I do. I was the last person out of Jake’s house because I had locked the bathroom door and no one realized I was there. If you hadn’t gotten that pill, I never would have been in that bathroom, much less in that house. I just… I wanna start over. Can we start over?”   
  
“I’m…” Jeremy trailed off, staring at the other boy in shock. “Of course.” The relieved expression on Michael’s face scared Jeremy slightly, but he ignored it. “Just, know that I’m your best friend and I wanna be there for you, okay?”   
  
“Okay.”


	9. epilouge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> three months and six days after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A LONG BOY

**_Three months and six days after…_ ** ****__  
****__  
Michael lifted his head at the familiar sound of Jeremy’s voice, muffled slightly by his headphones. He pulled them down, letting them rest against his chest. Jeremy smiled at his now boyfriend, sitting in the seat next to him and wrapping an arm around the smaller. Michael grinned, pushing a slushie into his hands before taking a sip of his own. It was a mix, a hybrid if you will, of red and blue. Jeremy’s was the same, since the two boys always traded halfway through if they got one straight color. They were in school, at lunch specifically. Michael would have Spanish after this and Jeremy would have calculus. Still, they spent what time they had together, Michael pressed against Jeremy and vice versa.   
  
The incident from three months ago was a constant reminder to, put simply, not be stupid. Their Squips came back from time to time, but Mountain Dew Red always seemed to do the trick for a while. Brooke, from across them, gave a soft ‘aw’ from where she was sitting on Chloe’s lap. The aforementioned Chloe was braiding the other girl’s hair, bobby pins peeking out of the corner of her mouth. Jake was having his usual push war with Rich, both of them giggling to themselves. Christine was murmuring the lyrics to the next new hit musical, and Jenna was tweeting away on her phone. Christine, after a period of self-discovery, had come out about figuring out she was ace. Chloe, after much persuasion and a few drinks told the group about how she thought she was pansexual but was afraid to be because her parents were, in her words, “homophobic assholes who don’t understand love”. Brooke was lesbian, and Jenna was queer. Jake and Rich were bisexual, and came together after an ‘accidental’ announcement of Rich’s sexuality which led Jake to saying his and then both boys admitting their crushes on the other. Michael was gay, and lastly Jeremy. Jeremy honestly wasn’t sure. Was he bi? Was he pan? He didn’t know, but that didn’t matter because he had a supportive boyfriend either way.   
  
Michael shifted against him, closing his eyes. Jeremy reached up, carding his fingers through the other boy’s hair as he pulled out a homework assignment he could work on while he ate. French, ew. When he felt Michael go still he assumed he fell asleep, not an unlikely ordeal, and let out a soft breath. Christine was reaching for her phone now, but the look Jeremy gave her stopped her and made her giggle. Jenna, however, snapped a picture when Jeremy wasn’t looking, giggling softly as she leaned over to show Chloe and Brooke who both urged her silently to post it. The bell interrupted the moment, though, causing Michael to scramble in his seat, Rich give Jake a final shove, Chloe finish with her braid, and Jenna to push send accidentally. As everyone hurried to grab their things and head to their next classes, Michael sat quietly amongst the chaos. He pulled his headphones on, not playing any music, but just watched. The muffled shuffling of students reluctantly moving to head back to class, the familiar goodbyes of the small group, everything felt otherworldly. Four months ago he never could have expected to be in this group, he would have expected to be alone for his entire life. Here he was, though, and here he would stay in the company of people he couldn’t help but trust. As Jeremy leaned down for a quick kiss, he jolted out of his trance and kissed him back, grabbing his bag quickly and pushing out of his seat.   
  
“Love you.” Jeremy mumbled, a little smile on his face.   
  
“Love you too.” Michael replied, smiling back. He pulled his hood up, tuning out the world every way possible now as he pulled his bag on and grabbed what was left of his slushie. Off to lunch he went, awaiting the familiar disappointment of school and the familiar excitement to be free. As he trudged to class he thought to himself, a bunch of garbled thoughts that didn’t seem to fit together very well. Then there it was.   
  
_ [Michael.] _   
  
Shit.   
  
_ [You really thought it was that easy?] _   
  
No, no, no this couldn’t be happening.   
  
_ [Oh, it’s happening.] _   
  
Shut up, shut up, shut up.

  
_ [No.] _   
  
The voice of his boyfriend rambled on, Michael pushing past his classmates in the hall and getting a worried look from his real boyfriend as he passed him, trying to get to his car. He needed to get to his car. There was Mountain Dew Red in the trunk, he kept it there for emergencies.   
  
_ [You do know this won’t work, right? It’ll fail again and again because you can’t get rid of me. Not for much longer than a few months. I’ll always be back because you were stupid enough to take me.] _   
  
There was malice in their words, a strange thing he had never heard with his Squip. He pushed the doors aside, a teacher trying and failing to stop him. He made his way to his car, quickly unlocking the trunk and grabbing at the red drink. But something was holding him back, making him incapable of grabbing the soda. He knew it was the Squip, the fake Jeremy that ruined his life, but he still reached and grabbed at the soda because he  _ needed _ it. He grabbed it eventually, hands shaking as he grabbed at his phone and hurried into the car.   
  
[michael: ejremy pealse ocme out here rith wno to my car i enend you]   
  
[jerm: shit yeah of course baby im coming]   
  
Michael stuffed his phone into his pocket, cradling the soda like a baby. After about five minutes Jeremy was sliding into the car, taking one look at Michael holding the soda before realization jumped to his eyes.   
  
“Is it back?”   
  
“Y-yeah… i-it’s back.”   
  
“What’s it saying?” Jeremy asked, voice laced with worry. Michael paused, listening to the fake Jeremy for a long minute.   
  
_ [Worthless, loser. He doesn’t love you and he never will. Terrible. You should just die. Tell him to go away. Tell him you’re fine. Once he’s gone, take the car and go home. Kill yourself.] _   
  
Michael closed his eyes tight, curling up. Jeremy placed a gentle hand on his arm.   
  
“Hey, hey. Ground yourself, baby. Just breathe.” He murmured, voice soothing. Michael realized he was barely breathing and forced himself to, taking a shaky breath in and letting it out slowly. Jeremy is silent now, just waiting for his boyfriend.   
  
“I-it w-wants me t-to kill m-myself…” He replies, tears sparking the corners of his eyes. He can hear a soft gasp from Jeremy, but doesn’t respond to it. Michael continues, voice soft and broken. “I-it says y-you d-don’t love me… a-and that I-I’m a… a  _ loser _ .” He spits out the word like it’s acid, which it very well might be.   
  
“Oh, Mikey…” Jeremy whispers, voice soft. He shifts, opening his arms for his boyfriend to climb into. Michael does just that, climbing over the gear shift and into Jeremy’s arms where he sits on the taller’s lap and presses his face into his shoulder. His cardigan quickly dampens as tears fall past Michael’s defenses. Jeremy whispered small comforts, rubbing his boyfriend’s back and kissing his hair gently. Michael’s breathing evened after a while, but he didn’t dare pull back. He just rested against his boyfriend, breathing soft and shallow. Jeremy continued to murmur comforts, holding him close. After about half an hour of sitting uncomfortably in his car, Michael pulled back. He still held the drink in both hands, and Jeremy looked down at it.   
  
“Be careful, okay? I’ll be right here the whole time.” His words were gentle, comforting. Michael couldn’t help but believe him. The fake Jeremy was still speaking in his mind but he was ignoring them now, uncapping the drink and watching as it fizzed and threatened to spill on the two. It didn’t. Raising it to his lips, Michael tried to offer his boyfriend a smile as he took a sip. The pain hit instantly, but he forced down the screams and drank more. Jeremy pulled it away after a minute, capping it and pushing it aside as Michael curled up tightly and bit his lip hard enough for crimson tears to bubble against it. He felt tears, real tears, streak his face, hot and wet. He couldn’t scream, the noise couldn’t get past his throat. Once the pain began to recede and the voice in his head began to quiet, he looked at his boyfriend. He was saying something, and looked worried, but Michael couldn’t hear anything. He passed out after a few seconds, a soft ‘I love you’ slipping past his lips before he fell slack against his boyfriend   
~~~   
  
When he woke up he was at home, but how he could have gotten there confused him. Jeremy couldn’t drive, being behind the wheel freaked him out. Maybe Christine, but she drove herself home. Brooke or Chloe was a maybe, as was Jake or Rich. He couldn’t really think straight, so he didn’t ponder long. He closed his eyes, letting out a soft breath. When he moved to sit up, the instant pounding in his head forced him back down. When his door cracked open he opened his eyes again and tried to see who it was. The soft voice that came was familiar, but he couldn’t really remember who anyone was. When Jeremy sat down next to him he reached out toward him, rolling onto his side despite the pain it caused.   
  
“M-Miah…” He whispered, voice cracking painfully. Jeremy jumped initially, before forcing himself to calm.   
  
“Hey, Mikey… you okay? You’ve been out for a little while.” He seemed worried, but wasn’t letting it show. Michael nodded, wincing softly.   
  
“Yeah… h-headache…” He mumbled, reaching out to him. His boyfriend moved to lay next to him, wrapping an arm around him and kissing his head. After curling into his arms, Michael felt the headache worsen. He didn’t know why, he couldn’t remember much before he he fell asleep the first time. He had been… at school? Yeah, that seemed right. He remembered lunch, sitting there with his boyfriend and dozing off before the bell startled him awake and he had to go to class again. But what happened after? He couldn’t push past the blurry memories, so he decided to push them aside and let them envelop him when he was supposed to be asleep. He wasn’t sure if he ever slept anymore, too used to staying up and sorting through the knot of thoughts that made his head feel too full. He pushed closer to Jeremy, letting out a soft noise. “W-what… what happened?” He breathed, voice barely above a whisper.   
  
“I…” He felt Jeremy tense, holding him a little closer. “The Squip it, um… it came back… and um, you got rid of it? But you passed out and I didn’t know what to do so I called Christine and she drove us here in your car. That was on Wednesday.” Jeremy explained, hesitating at the next question.   
  
“W-what day is it n-now?”   
  
A beat of silence.   
  
“Saturday.”    
  
Michael tried to push himself up from bed but Jeremy held him down. “Hey, hey, careful.”   
  
“B-but it’s S-Saturday!” He winced at the volume of his own voice. “I’m s-so s-sorry…” He breathed, curling into Jeremy again. The taller held him closer, kissing his head gently.   
  
“Hey, that’s okay, Mikey. I promise.” He murmured, holding the shorter closer still until his breathing began to even out. Once his breathing was steady and he wasn’t shaking anymore, Michael decided to speak up again.   
  
“I-it’s you…” He mumbled, and was prompted to go on by the confused look on Jeremy’s face. “The Squip, I mean. I-it looks like you and sounds like you and i-it even acts like you…” He breathed, Jeremy letting out a soft noise. He hadn’t known what Michael’s squip was. He knew about the shocking for his little ticks and fidgets, for his stutters and for his resistance. The spiderweb of little raised lines that creeped up both of his wrists were something Jeremy had noticed right away. But the idea of being forced to watch his crush do that to him, it was something Jeremy couldn’t believe. That sounded like torture, a gift from Satan himself. “It t-told me you hated me…” He whispered, voice cracking.   
  
“Oh, Mikey… I could never ever hate you. You’re my boyfriend.” He murmured, taking his hand and gently kissing his palm. Once Michael had relaxed a little more, he let him go. “Are you hungry, baby? I can make something to eat or order a pizza or something, if you want?” He offered, Michael nodding gently.   
  
“C-can you just order a p-pizza?” When Jeremy nodded he pulled away. Jeremy’s hand kept him down as Michael tried to sit up. The taller boy grabbed his phone, still holding his boy down as he called up the nearest pizza place and got two pizzas. A Hawaiian pizza, no pineapple, and a meat lover’s pizza. Once the order was in he set down his phone, immediately moving to lay with his boyfriend again. The smaller wrapped a sleepy arm around the taller, causing Jeremy to smile softly. As he ran his fingers through Michael’s hair, Jeremy thought to himself. He had fucked up. Really badly. How Michael had managed to forgive him was still utterly confusing, but relieving at the same time. He didn’t know how he would last without Michael in his life. He didn’t know how he lasted without the smaller male for as long as he did. He sighed, kissing Michael’s head gently, with a sigh. When the doorbell rang, Michael jolted up against him. Jeremy sighed, kissing his cheek before pushing himself off the bed.   
  
“I’ll get it, baby. You just wait here.” He murmured, the smaller nodding and curling into himself. He pulled his blanket up over his head, Jeremy letting out a sad noise. He hurried downstairs, paying for the pizza and moving to grab some things from the kitchen. Old soda, Ibuprofen, Michael’s anxiety medication, just the basics. He somehow managed to get back up the stairs in one piece, setting the pizzas down on the nightstand and opening up the pill bottle. Michael jolted at the sound of pills, scrambling out of the covers. Taking his medication was something that had become more difficult since the Squip, but he usually managed to. Jeremy placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, a reassuring one that promised he’d be okay and that it wasn’t another Squip. Michael relaxed quickly, giving a little nod.   
  
“S-s-sorry.” He mumbled as his boyfriend climbed back onto the bed, wrapping an arm around him quickly.   
  
“It’s fine, Mikey. I promise.” Jeremy reassured him, pushing two of the pills gently into his hand and grabbing one of the old sodas. Crystal Pepsi, Michael’s first oldie. The smaller opened his soda, forcing the pills into his mouth and quickly downing the drink. Michael’s hands were shaking so bad by the time he had swallowed that Jeremy had to take the soda and recap it. Michael quickly nestled into his side, closing his eyes. Jeremy held him close, kissing his head gently. Once the smaller was breathing again and not shaking, he pulled away to reach for the pizza. Jeremy grabbed them, pushing one into his lap and the other into Michael’s. Michael opened it, grabbing a piece and taking a bite. Jeremy hummed softly, lifting a piece of his own pizza up to his mouth and taking a bite. It wasn’t long before Michael was sufficiently full, just leaning against his boyfriend and sipping off his soda.   
  
“I’m really glad you’re okay, Mikey.” Jeremy murmured after a while, causing Michael to look up.   
  
“Yeah, me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope you guys enjoyed this story! ive been working on it so long that i never thought id finish it. yet, here we are. kudos and comments are greatly appreciated and thank you to anyone who's already done either of these things!


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